. all rights belong to Tanis Harms –
. refer to www.church-skits.com
EVERYTHING HOLLYWOOD - written by Tanis Harms
(Ideal for dinner theater. Actors can be the waiters,
and create bios to stay in character the entire time.
EXAMPLE PROGRAM: main course, ACT 1, dessert, ACT 2)
PREMISE:
BETTY leaves home to make it big in Hollywood.
Being star-struck, she is in for a rude awakening.
GLEN the director discovers her, but also discovers that
she cannot sing. Knowing that MARIE can sing but cannot
act, he builds up BETTY using MARIE’S singing voice.
A shallow relationship develops between BETTY and BARRY,
Who’s a sucker for a mellow voice. Meanwhile,
it is MARIE who likes BARRY. TODD – just loves himself.
And BETTY finally realizes that love in Tinsel Town
is shallow and fickle! GLEN, the rude director,
has a difficult time knowing what his movie is about.
DALE is the adept writer who has a difficult time
keeping up, as the real-life soap opera keeps changing
and influencing the direction of the entire script.
STYLE: comedy, spoof on old Hollywood films
TOPIC: true love
SCRIPTURE: 1 Corinthians 13
NOTES: for CAST, SET, PROPS and MUSIC
SCRIPT: ACT 1
. CENTER STAGE
Song #1: “EVERYTHING HOLLYWOOD-EVERYTHING BROADWAY”.
(Music begins. EXTRAS, DIANE, SCOTT, MARIE and TODD
begin an old Hollywood style song and dance number.
MEN (M) and LADIES (L) keep alternating singing lines,
so they can march in uniform lines with simple
choreography on opposite sides of the stage.)
(M) It’s Hollywood - (L) No, it’s Broadway! 2
(M) It’s Hollywood - (L) No, it’s Broadway!
(M) Love is in the air - (L) Romance is everywhere –
(M) In Hollywood - (L) No, it’s Broadway!
(M) In Hollywood - (L) No, it’s Broadway!
(M) Magical stories - (L) Big-named super stars
(M) Gorgeous people – (L) costumes, glitter
(M) Gorgeous people – (L) make-up
(M) Break up and make up – (L) no! we mean putting on
. [make-up].
(M) Oh – Hollywood – (L) no! Broadway!
(M) Lights – (L) action –
(M) Ca-mer-as – (L) that’s Hollywood
. this is “BROADWAY”!
(M) Okay, so – (ALL) WELCOME TO BROADWAY!!!
(At the end of song, EXTRAS exit, TODD exits STAGE LEFT,
and MARIE exits STAGE RIGHT. Meanwhile,
SCOTT and DIANE come out of the crowd, hand in hand
and stroll to UPPER STAGE LEFT where there is a bench.
Sitting down, SCOTT looks up reflectively.)
SCOTT Ahhh, true love. Do you remember those days?
. When we first met? It was YOUR big debut
. on Broadway. We BOTH looked stunning!
DIANE How - could I ever forget. You were so dashing.
. It truly was – love at first sight.
(TODD strides out LEFT CENTER and stops to comb his hair.
MARIE steps out RIGHT CENTER, sees TODD. She stops and
puts a hand to her chest, and with very bad acting...)
MARIE Oh - me, how - dashing. Be still - my heart –
(TODD drops his arms in disgust and groans.
GLEN abruptly steps out from STAGE RIGHT or
could rush up from the audience’s front row.)
GLEN Cut! Cut! CUT! What? What was that?
TODD I simply cannot work with this – with HER!
GLEN (to TODD) Could you TRY? Can you not - pull from
. your usual motivation? Just – FEEL the love –
. how much do you love yourself? You are handsome,
. you are dashing. Blah blah blah.
. 3
(GLEN quickly spins around to face MARIE.)
GLEN (to MARIE) Now listen, doll. This is a movie
. about LOVE - and acting - on Broadway.
. You’re cute. And I like you, but how can I
. put this gently... your acting - is horrendous!
(MARIE puts a hand to mouth, then rushes out STAGE LEFT
sobbing loudly.)
GLEN I guess we’re taking five, everyone. DALE! DALE?
(GLEN starts going STAGE LEFT then turns and sees MAKEUP
rush past him from STAGE RIGHT.)
GLEN Where’s Dale?
(MAKEUP shrugs and continues rushing toward DIANE
who holds a diva pose – waiting for her powder.
SCOTT gets up slowly from the bench and rubs a hip.)
SCOTT Finally! That bench is giving us hemorrhoids.
(DIANE puts up a talk-to-the-hand while MAKEUP quickly
touches up her face.)
DIANE Speak for yourself, dear. YOU may be over
. the hill, but I am still at my peak!
SCOTT Whatever you say, ma’am!
(GLEN still walks in circles searching in vain.)
GLEN Dale! Where’s –
(DALE rushes on from STAGE RIGHT with a coffee.)
GLEN Dale - there you are! (sees the coffee) Oh –
(Just as DALE is about to drink from the coffee cup,
GLEN takes the cup away from her and sips from it.)
GLEN Thanks. I need a rewrite on this opening scene.
DALE Wha-Why? What’s wrong with it?
GLEN Nothing is wrong with it! It’s just my 4
. leading lady - she cannot act! Perhaps if you –
. I don’t know - gave all the lines to Todd?
DALE But, that will change everything –
GLEN If you can’t do it, I’ll find someone who can!
(TODD overhears and steps up.)
TODD Oh! I can help. Let’s say, I saw the leading lady
. standing there - looking at me - and I could say
. something like- “She stands there, looking at me,
. and she dreamily thinks hooow - DASHING I look–“
GLEN Okay, let’s leave the writing to the
. professionals. YOU – stick to acting.
. (to DALE) YOU – get writing! Write-write-write.
. (to TODD) Come on, we have to find Marie
. and do some damage control.
TODD Why do you need MY help for that?
GLEN Because you’re alluring, and ladies usually
. can’t help but fold around you.
TODD This is very true.
(GLEN and TODD exit in the direction that MARIE left in,
past UPPER STAGE LEFT.)
. STAGE LEFT – OFFICE
(DALE goes to her corner to think and type madly.)
. STAGE RIGHT – STREET
(BETTY steps out on the other side, suitcase in hand.
Setting down her suitcase, she gets all happy-dramatic.)
BETTIE Hollywood! Here I am, ready to be discovered.
(BETTIE holds an open-armed pose for a few seconds,
then drops them, wondering what to do next.)
BETTIE Ahhh, SO, I’ll – just be waiting - right here
. then. Just waiting - waiting to be discovered.
. 5
(BETTIE sits down on her suitcase to wait.)
. STAGE LEFT – OFFICE
(DALE rips out the paper and adds it to a stack,
and puts another paper into the typewriter.)
. CENTER STAGE
(GLEN enters with TODD and MARIE following behind.)
GLEN (to MARIE) See? You’re going to be just fine,
. kid. Can you SEE your name up in lights
. over there: Marie Wiltandshine! See it?
MARIE No.
GLEN Well, it’s not really there yet, is it?!
. You have to imagine it. Don’t you have
. an imagination? You ARE an artist -
. of sorts - after all.
. STAGE LEFT – OFFICE
(DALE rips out the paper and adds it to a stack,
then rushes out to center stage with it.)
. CENTER STAGE
DALE Done. Script is ready.
(As DALE runs past, GLEN rips the script from DALE’s
hands and hands a page to each actor. SCOTT and DIANE
sit back on the bench. TODD and MARIE go back to
their same spots.)
GLEN All right. Places. Let’s do a read through,
. shall we? The song has just ended, aaaand –
. action.
(The ACTORS all go into their zones.)
SCOTT (reading) Ahhh, true love. Do you remember
. those days, when we first met? It was your debut
. on Broadway.
DIANE (reading) You must remind me, dear. 6
. (looking up) What? Wait, am I now
. a forgetful, senile woman?
GLEN Ah, just go with it!
DIANE (rolling eyes, then getting back into character)
. You must remind me, dear. (suddenly improvising)
. Because I just LOVE hearing YOU tell the story.
DALE (to GLEN) She’s adding her own lines!
DIANE (glaring pose at DALE) I am NOT THAT OLD!
GLEN (aside to DALE) Her adlib was good, actually.
. Carry on, please.
(GLEN shrugs pleadingly at DALE and then DIANE, then
turns his attention to TODD to carry on. TODD acts
along with Scott’s dialogue. MARIE just stands there.)
SCOTT The first time I saw you, you were standing
. on the stage - at center-middle-stage left...
. And our eyes met.
DIANE Yes, continue, darling. You are doing so well.
SCOTT You were wearing a blue sequined off-the-shoulder
. Christian Dior evening gown –
TODD CUT! STOP!
GLEN Whaaaat?
TODD Iii don’t have any lines now. I mean, I get why
. SHE doesn’t have any, but why don’t Iii have any?
. Just because SHE cannot act, why should Iii have
. to suffer?
(MARIE begins to sob and rushes out UPPER STAGE LEFT.)
SCOTT (musing) And has my character now become a –
. fashion critic?
GLEN Take five. Aaaand – (to TODD) damage control –
TODD Nah-ah, I’m going to oversee the script rewrite.
. 7
GLEN Nooo-
(Too late, TODD pushes DALE over to STAGE LEFT.
GLEN throws up his hands, then wanders in circles.
Seeing MAKEUP rush by, he gets her attention.)
GLEN Ahhh. Marie! Have you seen Marie?
(MAKEUP shrugs and rushes over to powder DIANE’s face.
GLEN sighs and chooses to go STAGE RIGHT.)
. STAGE LEFT – OFFICE
(Miming everything, TODD and DALE pace, argue, type,
and DALE pulls at her own hair...)
. STAGE RIGHT – STREET
(As soon as GLEN steps “outside”, BETTIE sees him
and pops up, standing - clutching her neck.)
BETTIE Oh! You gave me quite a scare!
GLEN Sorry. Have you seen – have you – sss...
(GLEN studies BETTIE and becomes intrigued.)
GLEN Say, are you new to Hollywood, kid?
BETTIE Why yes, I just got off the bus. I grew up
. in Kansas - aaan-
GLEN Can you act?
BETTIE Annnnd I want to act! Very badly.
GLEN You want to act badly?
BETTIE I so very badly want to act – well.
GLEN Okay, so say this line, (very dully)
. “Oh me, how dashing, be still my heart.”
(BETTIE takes a brief moment to find a motive.)
BETTIE Oh me, how dashing. Be still my heart.
. 8
GLEN Wonderful.
BETTIE Really?
GLEN Really-really. So what was your motive
. to say that with such emotion? Is it –
. a long-lost boyfriend? The hope of –
. a new-found boyfriend?
BETTIE No, it is the LOVE of Hollywood, fame
. and fortune.
GLEN (amused) Oh - sure. We can work with that.
BETTIE You can???
GLEN Follow me. You’re hired.
BETTIE (twirls, arms up) Hollywood! I have arrived!
. CENTER STAGE
(BETTIE follows GLEN in with an excited twirl to look
about the studio. She suddenly becomes overwhelmed.)
BETTIE Oh, ah, wow! Ah, what is the movie about?
. Tell me about the character I’m playing?
GLEN It’s fairly simple, kid. It’s a classic story!
. Broadway actors tell of their love story of –
. how they met, fell in love, fell out of love,
. fell in and then out of love, and then – BACK
. in love again - once and for all. It has that
. ‘they-all-lived-happily-ever-after’ whoop-lah
. kind of ending and all that. You know,
. everything Hollywood – everything - Broadway.
. You - are the woman. The young version.
DIANE I heard that!
GLEN (louder) The YOUN-GER version.
BETTIE Sounds lovely. AND it’s super exciting
. because it’s a Hollywood film - about Broadway.
. I mean, how extra enticing is THAT? It’s like –
. extra magical.
. 9
GLEN I like the way you think, kid. You just don’t
. have say it all out loud, okay? Time is money!
BETTIE Oh. Sorry.
(BETTIE sees SCOTT stretching his legs and rushes over.)
BETTIE (gushing) Oh, as I live and breathe–
. Scott Harrison! Never in my wildest dreams
. could I have ever imagined acting in the
. same movie as Scott Harrison!
(DIANE clears her throat loudly and strikes a pose.
BETTIE now looks over at DIANE.)
BETTIE And – ah - oh, are-are you – can it be? – Oh!
SCOTT (aside to BETTIE) Diane DiMarco.
BETTIE Diane DiMarco?!
DIANE (offended) Of course I am!...
. (quickly recovering) Darrrrling.
BETTIE I mean, of course you are. It’s just that YOU –
. you LOOK – (thinking the response through)
. so much prettier in person.
DIANE Of course I do. Breathe, darling. Just breathe.
BETTIE It’s just that – YOU - are my idol. You are the
. reason why I wanted to act in the first place.
. When I was just a WEE little, tiny - girl –
DIANE Yes, and you are – STILL - a WEE little –
. tiny girl - with a WHOLE lot to learn.
(DIANE now snubs BETTIE. BETTIE wonders at her faux pa,
and tries to nonchalantly scout the stage to observe more
of her surroundings.)
. STAGE LEFT
(DALE gathers the new pages and stands. TODD tries to
straighten her hair.)
TODD Wait... wouldn’t want anyone to get the 10
. wrong idea.
(TODD grabs the papers from DALE’S hands and walks out.)
DALE (horrified at the thought) Indeed.
. CENTER STAGE
(TODD walks out with some pages of the script, followed
by DALE. Dabbing her eyes, MARIE dares to step out
from behind the curtain.)
TODD (seeing BETTIE) Who is this?
GLEN (to everyone) Attention everyone, may
. I introduce our new leading lady –
. (to BETTIE) Ahhh, what is your name, dear?
BETTIE Bettie McDavis.
GLEN Bettie McDavis? (to BETTIE) I don’t like that.
. It’s not a very good name for a movie star.
. No matter, we’ll come up with a different
. one later.
(MARIE starts to sob again, then rushes across the stage
in the direction of STAGE RIGHT. GLEN waves her off.)
GLEN There she goes again. Just let her go.
. We don’t need her anymore.
TODD That means we can keep the original script?
GLEN Yes, back to the original script.
DALE Thank you! I was NOT feeling the rewrites.
(DALE says this while looking at TODD. TODD balks
at this insult against his efforts.)
TODD I gave you some really good lines there –
. for ME to say. I’m just saying.
(DIANE and SCOTT go back to their bench.)
DIANE Well I also say “thank you.”
. 11
SCOTT Afraid you can’t handle remembering new
. lines-changes anymore?
DIANE (calmly) Speak for yourself, darling.
GLEN Okay-okay, so Bettie, riiight-no... Maureen-no,
. Gretchen?-no, Helen? More thought required.
. Anyway, SHE gave me Scene One outside, and it
. was great, so let’s continue with this rehearsal
. aaaand pick it up with Scene Two.
(GLEN points to a spot on the floor. BETTIE obediently
stands there. DALE quickly gives BETTIE a sheet of paper
and steps out of the way.)
GLEN Aaaaand – action.
(DIANE looks at SCOTT with a little fire.)
DIANE Our relationship wasn’t always a bed of roses,
. though.
SCOTT (patronizing) Very good dear, your memory
. is back.
DIANE (glares at SCOTT then at GLEN)
. Now HE’S adding lines!
DALE Yes, and they are not very good ones!
(GLEN glares at SCOTT and gives him a “What are
you doing” gesture.)
SCOTT Sorry, couldn’t resist. Ahem...
. (back in character) It certainly WASN’T –
. a bed of roses, darling. I never thought –
. you would forgive me after all my indiscretions.
(DIANE flicks her hair and looks away, thinking
seriously.)
SCOTT Are you all right, darling?
(As DIANE continues to look away angrily, BETTIE crosses
her arms in anger and stares out with hurt in her eyes.
TODD approaches her beseechingly.)
. 12
TODD Darling, speak to me. Are you all right?
BETTIE My – heart – hurts so much. This betrayal
. is SUCH a- (looks at script closer then back out)
. –betrayal.
(DALE mouths the word “betrayal” with BETTIE and nods
approval. GLEN scratches his head and comments to DALE.)
GLEN Really? I think we need a different word there.
(DALE shrugs big then goes into a sulk.)
GLEN (to ACTORS) Continue.
TODD With my whole heart, with my entire being,
. I swear that I will do everything in my power
. to mend my broken ways. I beg you to forgive me.
Song #2: “WHAT SHALL I DO?”
TODD (sings the two phrases from the second ending)
. Please give me [a chance].
. A new cir-[cum-stance]... for me.
(BETTIE starts to sing, and it is terrible.)
BETTIE (sings from song’s beginning)
. How can I - trust you again?
. Where are all the truth-[ful men]?
. So many days I’ve spent
. Struggling with such a deep re-lent
. That I let you [cause me] this pain –
(TODD winces. DIANE holds her hands over her ears.
GLEN uses a finger to try to clean his ear.)
GLEN Please stop that, and by that, I mean cut.
. And by that I mean, I relent ever making you
. sing. Please don’t ever do that again!
SCOTT (to Diane) For a moment there, darling,
. I thought you had indigestion?
DIANE Darling, please STOP trying to be funny
. before you hurt yourself.
. 13
(DIANE groans and rolls her eyes, then stands up.)
DIANE Look, why don’t I just play BOTH parts.
. You KNOW I am capable. With just a little bit
. more makeup and better lighting-
GLEN I love you, Diane, but no!
TODD Iii could sing both parts of the song, just like–
. (quickly sings the 2 phrases from second ending)
. Please give me [a chance].
. A new cir-[cum-stance]... for me.
. (sings Bettie’s part from song’s beginning)
. You know you can trust me [again].
. I can be [one of those] truth-[ful men].
. [E-ven] though-oh-ohhhhhh – you’ve spent
. [Lots of] time [dea-ling] with a BIT of relent –
GLEN Uuuummmm-NO! Now please, let me think-
. let me think.
BETTIE (worried) Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean
. to let everybody down. Was it THAT BAD?
(EVERYONE stares at BETTIE with frozen horror.
GLEN steps up to BETTIE, thinking.)
GLEN Chin up, kid. And just imagine your name
. up in lights reading:
. (uses an arm to banner the name in the air)
. Betty – no! (pulling back, then trying again)
. Sarah-no! Well, (making big whatever-circles)
. something-something – up in lights!
. (using both arms in a field goal score signal)
BETTIE I already have.
GLEN (shocked) So you can see it?
BETTIE Of course, it’s right up there.
. (shows GLEN where it is with an arm motion)
GLEN Oh... Okay, good. So, meanwhile –
(GLEN uses his head to motion DALE to follow him STAGE
LEFT. BETTIE slumps shoulders and wrings her hands.)
. 14
. STAGE LEFT
(GLEN turns around to glare at DALE.)
DALE I’m still thinking of another word. But I used
. the word “betrayal” twice for emotional impact –
. AND – I misplaced my Thesaurus.
(GLEN really doesn’t hear the words and begins to fret.)
GLEN WHAT are we going to do?-What are we going to do?
DALE I told you, I’m thinking. And I could go out
. to buy another Thesaurus, but –
(GLEN grabs DALE’S shoulders dramatically with
a little shake.)
GLEN Can you write around this?-Can you?
. (suddenly calm) Oh, and by the way, you’ve got
. to change that word.
DALE (dryly) GOT it!
GLEN Okay, now – WHAT are we going to do?
. Can you write around this?
DALE What?! Oh, you mean, what? Have her NOT sing?
. This story takes place on BROADWAY! She HAS
. to sing! If she doesn’t, it will change
. EVERYTHING. It would change EVERYTHING.
. I-I can’t-I can’t, I can’t breath-
(DALE clutches her throat while she begins to pace.)
GLEN (rolling his eyes) Okay-okay. But what? Why?
. First we had a girl who could sing but not act.
. Now we’ve got a girl who can act but not sing!
DALE Why don’t you just combine the two?
GLEN Combine - the two? Are you mad? I mean,
. talk about changing the story line!
DALE No-no-no, other filmmakers have done this.
. Another person sings, and the actor mouths along.
. 15
(GLEN tilts his head thinking, still not getting it.)
DALE You don’t show the person singing, of course.
. But then everyone will BELIEVE that the actor
. is singing and has a wonderful voice.
GLEN Hm... That’s so crazy, it just might work.
(GLEN thinks for a few more seconds then nods.
He leaves with DALE following behind. GLEN pauses
and points back to the desk.)
GLEN Change-that-word!
(DALE turns around immediately and paces, straining
to think of another word.)
. CENTER STAGE
(GLEN looks at MAKEUP rush by.)
GLEN Where’s Marie?
(MAKEUP shrugs and rushes to DIANE to powder, who strikes
a pose. SCOTT motions for her to do his face also.)
GLEN What good are you?
(DIANE waves GLEN to go away. GLEN balks, then continues
his search for Marie.)
GLEN Marie! MARIE!
(GLEN rushes out to STAGE RIGHT and disappears.)
As DIANE notices BETTIE’s slump, she waves her over.
BETTIE approaches. DIANE speaks while MAKEUP works.)
DIANE Listen dear, don’t let that get you down.
. Always be the star you intend to be. In fact –
. (disgusted) WHAT - are you WEARING?
BETTIE The best clothes I own right now.
DIANE REALLY?! Well, that just will not do, will it?
. You must also dress in a fashion to keep your
. hopes and dreams alive. Always!
. 16
BETTIE But this is the best I have.
DIANE My makeup girl will take you to the back and
. get you a dress from one of my personal closets.
. (to the balking MAKEUP) Yes, you heard me.
(MAKEUP marches off with BETTIE dancing after her.)
BETTIE Oh thank-you-thank-you-thank-you. I shall
. NEVER forget this.
DIANE (muttering) You better not, darling.
. STAGE RIGHT
(GLEN drags MARIE back onto STAGE RIGHT while she still
dabs at her eyes. They stop to talk.)
GLEN Marie. We NEED you.
MARIE You NEED me? You just said you DIDN’T need me.
GLEN Well, we need you.
MARIE I can’t act.
GLEN But you can SING! We need you to SING.
MARIE (confused) So I have my part back?
GLEN No! Well, yes! But - just the singing parts.
. Do you have a problem with that?
MARIE What choice do I have? I cannot act –
. and I need the money.
GLEN Good. Let’s go. Time is money. We’re just now
. running through Scene Two.
. CENTER STAGE
(MARIE follows GLEN to CENTER STAGE. DALE runs in with
the rewrite and distributes the pages. GLEN points to
a spot where MARIE is to hide behind, but is still
visible to the audience. GLEN turns to look for BETTIE.)
GLEN Bettie-ugh-no... Gloria! Gina! Gretta! 17
. Where is she? Where is our new girl-wonder?
DIANE Wardrobe change. Did you want me to stand in
. for her?
GLEN No! - But thank you.
TODD Oh, or I could say something like,
. “I thought she had left me for good,
. but I could still hear her sweet pure voice –“
GLEN Noooooo. And please stop trying to help.
. (looking around) BETTIE! Marsha! Marsha?...
. No! Lena!?
(BETTIE rushes out, now in a sparkly evening gown.)
GLEN Patricia! Whatever! You are holding us up!
BETTIE I’m – sorry – so sorry.
GLEN (getting very dramatic) Time is money! And
. just remember, as fast as I made you – I can
. unmake you – just like that. Do you KNOW
. who controls the STARS up in the sky?
BETTIE God?
GLEN Well, in the literal universe I suppose
. that’s true. (back to being dramatic)
. But all the STARS up in that big
. Hollywood sky – are controlled by people
. like ME. Directors and producers!
. You would be NO WHERE and NO ONE –
. without us.
DIANE (to SCOTT and TODD) Let’s let them believe that,
. shall we?
TODD Right, because they wouldn’t be anywhere
. without US.
(DIANE and SCOTT nod in firm agreement. DALE overhears.)
DALE And all of YOU would be NOTHING without WRITERS!
GLEN Cut!-I mean-stop! And by that I mean- 18
. quiet on the set already. Sure, you are ALL
. very special and important. But do you
. understand Betty, that ah – um – what was
. my point again?
BETTIE Time is money, sir – I understand - and it will
. never happen again – sir!
GLEN Good. Now, Marie will be singing for you.
. You just mouth the words to the song, but
. believe that you are actually singing them.
. (to ALL) Places everyone, aaaaaand –
. action!
(DIANE and SCOTT settle back on their bench.)
DIANE Our relationship wasn’t always a bed of roses.
SCOTT It certainly wasn’t, darling. I never thought –
. you would forgive me after my - indiscretions.
(DIANE flicks her hair, thinking seriously.)
SCOTT Are you all right, darling?
(BETTIE crosses her arms in anger and stares out with
hurt in her eyes. TODD approaches her beseechingly.)
TODD Darling, speak to me. Are you all right?
BETTIE My – heart – hurts so much. This betrayal
. is SUCH a- (looks at script closer then back out)
. –stab to the heart. And I don’t quite believe
. you are able to reach down that deep and mend it.
(DALE clutches at her heart with these last words.
GLEN glances over to DALE and nods with surprise.
DALE shyly shrugs and smiles with relief.)
GLEN Wow! Nice! (to ACTORS) Sorry. Sorry, continue.
TODD With my whole heart, with my entire being,
. I swear that I will do everything in my power
. to mend my broken ways – and mend your broken
. heart. I beg you to forgive me.
Song #2: “WHAT SHALL I DO?” (again) 19
TODD (sings the two phrases from second ending)
. Please give me [a chance].
. A new cir-[cum-stance]... for me.
(MARIE sings from beside/behind the backdrop)
BETTIE (lip-syncs to MARIE from song’s beginning)
. How can I - trust you again?
. Where are all the truth-[ful men]?
. So many days I’ve spent
. Struggling with such a deep re-lent
. That I let you [cause me] this pain – oh
. So how could I [al-low] you to do that
. (the “A” note from second ending) [a-gain]
. (hold this note as long as possible while
. TODD sings his portion)
TODD (sings the two phrases from second ending)
. I beg for [an-other chance].
. A new cir-[cum-stance]... for me.
BETTIE (lip-syncs the last two notes from second ending
. at the same time as TODD’S “for me”)
. -to me?
(BARRY walks in while the song is still being performed.
He is clearly touched by the woman singing. When the song
ends he approaches BETTIE and takes her hand to kiss.)
BARRY Magnificent. I am truly in the presence
. of a great star.
BETTIE Oh, no sir, you –
BARRY Barry. My name is Barry.
(MARIE sneaks out from hiding and shyly smiles at BARRY
who does not even notice her.)
BETTIE Barry. But it wasn’t me, it’s –
BARRY The song writer, the accompaniment, the –
. whatever! You’re not only magnificent,
. but you’re humble How refreshing!
. I’m – smitten. Truly smitten.
. 20
(MARIE starts dabbing her eyes while BETTIE shyly
accepts the shower of compliments and attention.)
BETTIE (starry-eyed) A NEW kind of magic.
(DIANE watches closely with terror in her eyes.)
GLEN Ah – cut? Excuse me, Barry, what are you doing?
BARRY What? Oh, sorry. Am I here too early?
. I’m scheduled to practice.
DALE Except you don’t come in until scene three.
GLEN Scene two - is good. We’re good.
. That was fantastic, people. Let’s move it
. along then. Okay - places for scene 3.
. And Bettie, that’s just not right!
. Audrey-no, Marlyce-nnnnoo,
. okay just Bettie for now, over there.
(BETTIE smiles at BARRY and then stands on her mark.
Gaining some courage, MARIE waves and calls out to BARRY.
It is obvious that MARIE likes BARRY, but BARRY doesn’t
really know that she exists.)
MARIE Hi – Barry.
(BARRY gives her a quick glance.)
BARRY (cheerfully) Ahhh, oh, hi – whoever you are.
(MARIE sadly goes back to her hiding place. BARRY goes
to stand beside TODD. BARRY and TODD shake hands
and then mentally get into their characters.)
GLEN Aaaand – action.
(SCOTT tries to cozy up to DIANE on the bench, but DIANE
breaks out of character and glares at GLEN and DALE.)
DIANE Don’t you think this bench-thing is getting
. rather old?
GLEN (confused) What? Is that the line?
(GLEN looks at DALE. Feeling insulted, DALE shakes 21
her head and goes into an explanation.)
DALE Look, you two JUST have cameo roles.
. But you are the catalyst which sends each
. scene on route. The bench signifies
. “comfort”-
DIANE This bench is anything but comfortable!
DALE Its significance is the happy ending –
. the final outcome.
SCOTT (gasps, then to DIANE) Hear that?
. Final outcome! We’re almost dead.
DIANE (flaring) Wait, did she just say - we’re –
. JUST - CAMEOS?
GLEN No-no, no-no, no! Not “JUST.” These are
. very IMPORTANT cameo roles.
(GLEN glares at DALE who shrugs.)
DALE It just makes for interesting film. It would be
. easy enough to write the both of you out.
SCOTT (gasping) WE - HAVE - a contract.
GLEN Yes-yes, yes-yes, you are – you are BOTH –
. secure. And you BOTH are VERY important.
(GLEN glares at DALE again. DALE shrugs sarcastically.)
DIANE (flashing her eyes) And WE are the REAL stars,
. after all. I mean, WE are the actors that
. everyone knows and loves. It’s US they will
. come to see.
GLEN They certainly WILL! And could we keep this
. moving along, please? Now, what comes next?
DALE The song.
DIANE Now you are skipping our lines?
GLEN Please, say your lines. Quickly – go - now.
. 22
DIANE Ahhh, (frantically getting into her role)
. You were very convincing, to say the least,
. and I fell right back into love again.
SCOTT Of course, you did.
DIANE (out of character) That’s not your line.
SCOTT (holding up a “one moment” finger)
. But the love I felt for you - just kept on
. growing. Especially - whenever - I had the
. pleasure of hearing your angel voice sing.
BARRY YES! Fantastic! Wow! NOW, let’s hear the song.
(The music begins. MARIE sings a love song, while BETTIE
lip-syncs and lightly dances. TODD looks longingly
at her, as does BARRY.)
Song #3: “IT’S LOVE AGAIN”
BETTIE (lip-syncs to MARIE, singing bottom melody line)
. It’s love again. New found love a--gain.
. Over and over, so many [times o-ver]
. we fall, in love, new found love again.
. It’s out of control, we keep falling [o-ver].
(The music continues, and MARIE hums. BETTIE pretends
to hum along. BARRY is still lost in the song.
GLEN cues BARRY, but BARRY is oblivious.)
GLEN Barry, your line.
BARRY Oh, right, ahhhh... (requesting) Line?
DALE “I think love is in the air.”
BARRY (agreeing) Indeed! Is it that obvious?
DALE No! That is your line.
BARRY Right! Ahhh... I think love is in the air.
TODD It is. And that love is GWENDOLYN.
. I intend to propose to her TONIGHT.
(As BETTIE hums, she only looks at BARRY, who has 23
fallen into his smitten-ness again. TODD nudges him.)
TODD Barry, it’s your line again.
(BARRY continues staring at BETTIE. BETTIE smiles shyly
and continues to hum. TODD acts out both lines.)
TODD (in a lower voice) Why, she’s a knock-out, Max.
. (doing his character) Isn’t she?
. (BARRY’S character) You’re one lucky man.
. (doing his character) Why, thank you.
GLEN Cut!
TODD Look, if we’re supposed to be in love,
. shouldn’t SHE be looking at ME – and not at HIM!
GLEN Yes! But... - Dale!-Idea!-Come!
(GLEN marches over to STAGE LEFT. DALE does a
double-take before following.)
. STAGE LEFT – OFFICE
(DALE finally catches up to GLEN, out of breath.)
DALE What?
GLEN I want a rewrite?
DALE What? Why?
GLEN Do you not sense a potential twist to our plot?
DALE But you wanted a classic screenplay!
. What are you talking about?
GLEN But don’t you see? This idea would be –
. groundbreaking. Someone falls in love
. with someone not realizing that it’s really
. someone ELSE who is singing FOR them –
DALE (dryly) You mean like - Cyrano de Bergerac?
GLEN Did Cyrano sing? No! I don’t think so.
. But this is fresh! New! This is different.
. 24
(DALE gasps, GLEN corrects himself.)
GLEN I mean – it IS exactly that! But NOT exactly!
. We are just reinventing the wheel. You see,
. everything has been done before, every story
. has been done – we are just always looking for
. a fresh, new way to reinvent-
DALE Yes-yes-yes, I know all about stories and wheels.
. I DID study literature, you know.
GLEN Good, then I will leave this in your capable
. hands to come up with something standard WITHOUT
. plagiarizing. We wouldn’t want to become
. TOO original –HA!-what would people think?
DALE (dryly) Sure, we may just confuse them.
(DALE rolls her eyes. As GLEN leaves, he comments.)
GLEN So time is money. You’ll be ready in five?
DALE Five hours?
GLEN Minutes, babe.
DALE Are you delirious!!! I’m – rewriting the entire
. screenplay! Seriously, I really need maybe –
. 5 weeks, or months!
. CENTER STAGE
(GLEN nods with decision, and walks out to center stage.)
GLEN Let’s take a coffee break, everyone.
. It seems 5 minutes is not enough time
. for our screenwriter. Please be back
. in your places in 15 minutes.
DALE 15 MINUTES?!!!
(WHILE DALE MIMES WRITING AND PACING AND TEARING
OF HAIR... If it’s not a dinner theater,
you can have musical number with GLEN saying,
“While we wait, let’s run through...”)
(IF YOU ARE SERVING FOOD: ACTORS CAN GO OUT 25
TO SERVE REFRESHMENTS TO THE AUDIENCE.
HAVE ACTORS STAY IN CHARACTER WHILE SERVING.
BETTIE watches as all the actors go out to the audience.)
BETTIE Wait! Where are you all going?
BARRY Did you really think actors can survive with
. just acting jobs? Most of us have REAL jobs? –
. waiting tables.
BETTIE Oh! Ah, then wait for me.
(BETTIE joins everyone serving tables.)
. PART 2 - CENTER STAGE.
(After either the song, or the serving of refreshments,
DALE runs out to center stage with papers in her hands.)
DALE Done! It’s done! I’ve done it. I’ve actually
. done it. It’s great. You’ll love it...
(GLEN runs up to grab the papers and scans the pages.)
GLEN Okay people, let’s get back to our run-through.
. We’re picking it up from scene three.
. Everyone! Back to your places. Come on –
. time is money! Time is money. Let’s go...
. (to BETTIE) And Bettie, ah, Fanny! No, Darlene!
. Susan! Whatever! I just need you to keep
. going with your feelings on this.
(ACTORS come back onto the stage. MAKEUP quickly douses
DIANE with powder and leaves. DIANE and SCOTT sit back
on the bench. DIANE coughs slightly, waving at the dust.)
GLEN Whenever you’re ready.
(DIANE and SCOTT both take their time getting into
their zone, then begin.)
DIANE (studying the script) Oh, the lines are
. COMPLETELY different.
GLEN Aaaanytime.
SCOTT (in role) But, need I remind you, dear, 26
. you DID have your OWN indiscretions.
DIANE I prefer to think of THOSE as – biding my time...
. (looks to DALE) Oh, very gritty, darling!
SCOTT BIDING your time? Is THAT what you called it?
DIANE Well, after all, you DID drag your feet.
.
SCOTT Drag my feet? I proposed after only two weeks.
DIANE In Broadway time! – THAT’S considered a drag!
. I was looking for the New York minute.
SCOTT The ONLY reason why one has to propose so QUICKLY
. in Broadway - is to clinch the DEAL before
. the OTHER person changes their MIND!
DALE (to GLEN) Will you tell them to stop
. improvising!
SCOTT Sorry! Just bringing in a bit of HISTORY.
DIANE I PREFER to call it - REALITY!
SCOTT (lightly) Sorry, we’re done. You can carry on.
. Please.
(GLEN throws a questioning look their way, then nods for
the music to begin.)
Song #3, “IT’S LOVE AGAIN”.
(MARIE sings the first part of the love song,
while BETTIE lip syncs and lightly dances.
TODD looks longingly at her, as does BARRY.)
BETTIE (lip-syncs to MARIE, singing bottom melody line)
. It’s love again. New found love a--gain.
. Over and over, so many times o-ver
. we fall, in love, new found love again.
. It’s out of control, we keep falling [o-ver].
. (goes to humming)
BARRY I believe love – is – in the air –
(BARRY starts shooing and swatting a fly away.) 27
BARRY (out of character) Sorry, there’s a fly buzzing
. my head. Okay, (back in character)
. I believe – LOVE is in the air.
(TODD now shoos at the fly.)
TODD It is. And that fly – I mean – that love is
. GWENDOLYN. I intend to propose to her TONIGHT.
(As BETTIE pretends to hum, she looks longingly back
at BARRY. BETTIE now takes a few spastic swings
at the fly, then continues her “humming.”)
BARRY Why, she’s a knock-out, Max.
TODD Isn’t she?
BARRY You’re one lucky man.
(TODD stops to study BARRY and becomes angry.)
TODD (threatening) And she’s all mine by the way.
BARRY Really? Has she made any commitment to you yet?
TODD No, but she will.
(The singing starts again. MARIE sings top portion
while BARRY and TODD sing the bottom portion of the song)
(MARIE, who is still “hiding” in the background,
now starts swinging at the fly as she tries to sing.)
BETTIE (lip-syncs to MARIE, singing top portion)
. Over love, we will fall, we keep falling,
. over love.
(TODD holds his hand out to BETTIE, but BARRY steps
in front of him to hold out his hand to her
and begins to sing.)
BARRY (singing) I beg you - to recon-[ci-der]
TODD (singing) Hey what about me?
BARRY (singing) He is a big loser, 28
. I [will speak] the truth.
TODD (singing) Except [he is] singing.
BARRY (singing) So take me instead.
TODD (singing) But what about me?
(BETTIE finally chooses and takes BARRY’S hand.
MARIE swings AGAIN at the fly as she sings
the bottom portion of the song again.)
BETTIE (lip-syncs to MARIE, singing bottom melody line)
. It’s love again. New found love a--gain.
. Over and over, so many [times o-ver]
. we fall - in –
(MARIE starts coughing as the fly goes into her mouth.
She audible coughs.)
(BETTIE is still mouthing along for a few seconds before
she realizes her “voice is gone.” Hearing the coughing,
BETTIE then tries to “cough” along.)
BARRY Please, don’t stop. Keep singing.
MARIE (from behind screen) Sorry, I swallowed a fly.
(MARIE coughs and BETTIE echoes the problem.)
BETTIE (also coughing) I swallowed - a fly.
BARRY Hey, wait a minute. You weren’t the one singing?
BETTIE (weakly) Nooo?
BARRY (angrily) YOU weren’t the one SINGING???
BETTIE I tried to tell you before.
. (BARRY throws BETTIE’S hand from his)
. You mean, you don’t like me anymore because
. I cannot SING? Where has the magic gone?
DALE (interjecting) They’re going off script again!
GLEN (not wanting it to stop) Close enough.
. 29
DALE It’s not anything like it!
GLEN Okay, cut! (looks at DALE) I like the direction
. this is taking. This is exactly how the great
. Charlie Chaplin would direct. The story would
. unfold as he filmed. Improvising can really
. bring about - a sense of reality.
DALE Then WHY did I just spend all that time
. doing a harried rewrite?
GLEN That’s what you are paid to do. Now!
. What is scene four going to look like?
(DALE gasps big and continues to glare at GLEN.)
BARRY (to BETTIE) So if you’re not singing, who is?
(BETTIE rushes around the set and drags out MARIE.)
BETTIE Marie is the voice behind the song.
. It was ALWAYS Marie.
BARRY (re-smitten) Marie!? Marie!... I’m in love!
(Disenchanted, BETTIE steps away to be by herself.
She looks at TODD who primps and preens with his hair.)
GLEN (excited) There it is! The twist now becomes
. the side-story! Fantastic! That is always
. the classic distraction to lend comic relief.
. Go – write - scene four.
BETTIE Except that my heart has been broken here.
(DALE turns to march off to STAGE LEFT, but GLEN grabs
her shoulders and spins her around to face STAGE RIGHT.
As DALE marches to doom, DIANE floats up to DALE.)
DIANE Oh, darling, could you maybe give my character
. a little more edge? Something a little more
. realistic. Perhaps I could have a tiny episode
. of momentary insanity. I haven’t won an Oscar
. in a while. I just need – something I can really
. sink my teeth into.
SCOTT (to DIANE) As long as your teeth don’t 30
. stay there.
(DIANE balks big, then quickly checks her dentures.)
SCOTT (to DALE) And while you’re at it,
. maybe if my character could be a little more –
. whimsical. I keep getting stuck with parts
. that are more – musing. One is never too old
. to step out of their type-casting.
(SCOTT looks at DIANE when he says “old” and expects her
to be in agreement. DIANE snaps.)
DIANE SPEAK for yourself please! And please, STOP –
. SPEAKING! You are NOT a comedian.
. You’re barely an actor.
(SCOTT mimes getting stabbed, staggers, and slumps
back onto the bench.)
DIANE Here, let me help you.
(DIANE mimes pulling out the knife and holds it,
Wondering. She changes her mind, puts down the “knife
and “gets out” defibrillators.)
DIANE Clear!
(SCOTT mimes along with the revival process.
Shaking her head, DALE quickly leaves the older actors
for the solitude of the office.)
. STAGE LEFT – OFFICE
(DALE sits at the desk, stares at the typewriter,
then puts her head in her hands.)
. CENTER STAGE
BETTIE (approaches DIANE) I don’t understand.
DIANE Understand what, dear?
BETTIE Hollywood, and Broadway. Whatever! There is
. supposed to be magic. Where’s the magic?
DIANE It’s all right up - in here! 31
. (points to BETTIE’S head)
BETTIE What do you mean?
DIANE This is a business of SELLING the magic.
. To make people believe that there IS magic.
. We do our very best to present that illusion.
. It’s all up to the people to imagine it.
. It is whatever one makes of it.
. Hopes and dreams... most often it is love.
BETTIE But what IS that?
DIANE (shrugs) I really don’t know. And I really don’t
. care, as long as the people keep LOVING ME, then
. I will keep getting the roles and more money!
BETTIE That’s it?
DIANE Just try to keep up, dear.
(MAKEUP rushes in and pushes BETTIE aside to powder
DIANE’S face.)
. STAGE LEFT – OFFICE
(DALE suddenly jumps up to act out her frustrations.
Meanwhile, TODD approaches and eavesdrops just outside.)
DALE (scathing) YOU want a REWRITE, I’ll give you
. a REWRITE! (diva-like-smooth) Ooo, now really
. darling, you DO realize I’m a star. I should
. simply glitter ALL the time. (director-like-rude)
. Really, for a star, you are rather dull, I think.
. (putting on airs) Who cares what you think!
. (whining and stomping around) Will someone shine
. the spotlight on me for a change or I’ll throw
. a hissy-fit – (now with a deeper voice)
. A MACHO hissy-fit –
(TODD steps inside, and DALE is caught off guard.)
TODD Psst. Dale? Arrrrre – you okay?
DALE Oh! Yes, I – um – I – ah - you see... what I do –
. when I write – is - I become each person.
. 32
TODD So you act it out?
DALE No – well - perhaps... in a fashion.
TODD And which voice was my character?
DALE Oh, ah, well- ah –
TODD You do realize, you keep giving me the same kind
. of lines.
DALE I tend to write according to everyone’s
. personality. Especially if someone
. is not that good of an actor.
TODD Should I take that as an insult?
DALE Only if you want.
TODD (shrugging) So, which is MY character?
DALE You are – the arrogant one.
TODD But I’m not. Not really.
DALE Seriously?
TODD That’s just me – ACTING like me. See? So
. I am really - actually a great actor. Because –
. I’m actually – really – well... insecure.
. NOT that I want to have a role where I would
. be insecure. After all, I’m obviously the
. hero-type. But – underneath all of THIS – I’m -
. just a little – boy. A very shy, little boy.
DALE (suspiciously) Is this just a ploy to get me
. to flatter you?
TODD I’m not asking for that. I do a good enough job
. flattering myself. I guess I’m just looking
. for some DEPTH to my character.
(DALE tries to think through his request.)
DALE Wait! Your character – or your actual
. personality?
. 33
TODD Is there a difference?
DALE Yesssss? Anyway, you’ll only get what
. the producers and director want. Even though,
. more than anything, I would LOVE to add
. more depth to this entire story.
TODD Depth to a Hollywood movie about a story on
. Broadway? What WOULD that look like anyway?
DALE I’m not sure yet – (getting an idea)
. but I have an idea.
(DALE suddenly types with frenzy.)
TODD Do you still need my help?
DALE You’ve – done enough. Thank you.
. CENTER STAGE
(TODD struts out of the room.)
TODD (proudly) She has an idea, and I helped.
GLEN Should I be concerned? What’s the idea?
TODD I have NO idea.
GLEN Well, while we wait, let’s have the extras
. work on the next number. EXTRAS!
(SHEREE limps out, along with the EXTRAS. SHEREE motions
with a commanding arm motion for GLEN to step aside.
He obligingly does so to the greatly renowned ex-dancer
may take control.)
SHEREE Position five... Straighten up, dear.
. Aaaand after four...
(SHEREE snaps her fingers and the extras start dancing
some jazz steps after four counts without music.
These are the steps that go with song #4. They all
come forward, then backward, then outward, then inward –
and all bump into each other.)
SHEREE Ugh. STOP! Everybody, watch me. 34
(SHEREE does a few horribly awkward steps then stops
to pant.)
SHEREE Like that, see? Just, do it - better.
(DALE rushes out with pages to hand out.)
GLEN Looking fantastic, Sheree. Thanks.
. (grabs the first page to scan)
. All right, we have a scene four.
. Places everyone. Extras, be ready to come in
. on point. And – action.
(DIANE and SCOTT settle onto their bench and get
into role.)
DIANE (very crazy-like) I cannot say that I was happy,
. but at least SOME-ONE’S relationship worked out
. during that - horrid beastly time! Where I just
. wanted to tear out my hair. But it was –
. for them - love – at first – sound!
GLEN What is she doing? (to DALE) What is she doing?
DALE I think it’s a – dramatic but tiny episode
. of momentary insanity.
(GLEN wonders at this quietly while the scene continues.)
SCOTT (carrying on dramatically) Yes, the shallowness
. of love at first sound. But not quite as shallow
. as our – love at first sight. (to DALE)
. See – this is still “musing”. I really wanted
. to go whimsical on this.
(DALE makes a motion to try it, but realizes GLEN is
watching her. She shrinks back to let him be director.)
SCOTT Wait-wait-wait, I think I’ve got it now.
. (back in character but going whimsical) Yes,
. the shallowness of love at first sound. But not
. quite as shallow as our – love at first sight.
(SCOTT makes google-eyes at DIANE then smiles
questioningly at GLEN.)
. 35
GLEN Whatever. You’re the star-you’re BOTH
. the stars. (to OTHERS) Carry on.
(MARIE and BARRY hold hands and stare into each
other’s eyes.)
TODD (to BETTIE) See how happy they are, dear?
BETTIE Yes I do. Why can’t WE be that happy?
. What heavenly secret eludes us?
TODD I think – our love should be based on truth.
. (cryptically) Don’t you think?
BETTIE (resigning) Okay-okay – I cannot sing.
. (perking up) But - I can DANCE!
TODD This is wonderful! So can Iiii!!!
Song #4: “FORGIVE” or “HEY CATS” or other swing music.
(EXTRAS in the background do their steps, this time they
do the crossover successfully, then dance to the sides.
MARIE and BARRY separate and join the dancers but stay
in front of the two lines. They all dance on spot
with the music. Depending on music, they can sing
in the intro...)
ALL (if it makes sense to sing)
. Truth! Who-haaa! Truth! Who-haaa!
. Sing it! Dance it! Love it! Who-haaa!
(BETTIE and TODD gear up to dance with arms outstretched
to each other. They both dramatically look in opposite
directions from each other for the starting pose and
pause. Unbeknownst to BETTIE, TODD searches the area.)
TODD Ah, stunt-double! Where’s my stunt-double?
(DOUBLE wearing a cap quickly exchanges place and
swing dances with BETTIE without her realizing
it’s another man. Right at the end they stop with
the final pose – looking into each other’s eyes.
TODD quickly jumps back in place.)
BETTIE Hey! Wait a minute! That wasn’t you dancing!
. 36
TODD Yes it was.
BETTIE It wasn’t. You just switched places.
TODD Okay, it was a stunt-double. But the play
. MUST go on. It would be devastating
. if Iiii injured myself. Iiii cannot be replaced.
(BETTIE continues to stare until TODD finally admits...)
TODD Okaaaay, I cannot dance.
BETTIE I thought we were basing this relationship
. on truth? (angrily paces behind the bench)
GLEN Cut! (to DALE) Brilliant!
DALE I didn’t exactly write that – entirely.
GLEN Well, let’s go with that.
DALE Don’t tell me. Re-write.
. (slowly stomps to STAGE LEFT but turns to rant)
. (growling) I can’t believe you people. You keep
. asking me for something REAL – to reflect
. real love – real life - and yet it is all based
. on everything Hollywood – everything Broadway –
. but it is ALLLLL – FAKE.
(DALE storms off to STAGE LEFT and mimes out her
rewriting. DIANE swings around to GLEN.)
DIANE I certainly hope SHE is not vying to get the
. starring role in this film? (loudly)
. Where is my makeup?
GLEN Diane, we’re not filming right now,
. you do NOT NEED makeup.
DIANE A woman must always have her mask–I mean makeup.
. Actors need to learn never to show or admit one’s
. flaws. ALWAYS be picture-perfect-ready.
(BETTIE overhears. MAKEUP rushes out and does
DIANE’s face and is ready to leave when BETTIE
clears her throat.)
. 37
BETTIE Makeup for me too, then please?
(MAKEUP eyes DIANE carefully and slowly goes to BETTIE
to do a few strokes to her face, then rushes out.)
DIANE See, you are finally starting to learn the –
. art of illusions.
(BETTIE smiles broadly.)
DIANE Just – don’t get any smart ideas.
(BETTIE now looks concerned and confused.)
DIANE I’ve been around a LONG time... I mean,
. by THAT I mean, I have seen it all. And by THAT,
. I mean, I know what you are trying to do.
BETTIE (innocently) What am I trying to do?
DIANE You are trying to replace ME. You want to learn
. everything I know, and then BE – ME.
BETTIE I – I – but - I just want to be myself.
DIANE ACTING is always being someone ELSE. I have
. been someone ELSE for so long, I can no longer
. remember who I was. And boyfriends are never
. sure who I AM from one moment to the next.
. So with that, the very definition of love
. continually changes. But one thing always
. remains the same –
(BETTIE leans forward, wondering.)
DIANE I - am a star.
(BETTIE wonders at this. Saddened, she slips over
to STAGE LEFT.)
. STAGE LEFT – OFFICE
(BETTIE tentatively enters the room.)
BETTIE Excuse me, Miss Dale?
(DALE looks back over her shoulder then forward 38
again.)
DALE Why, it is the once-oh-so-humble-Kansas girl
. turned Miss-all-of-that Hollywood Starlet.
(BETTIE gets into a dramatic role and steps forward.)
BETTIE You were right. In all our attempts to search
. for and portray reality, what I have discovered
. is – THIS - IS all fake. Hollywood, and
. Broadway are not what they appear to be.
. (starts to slowly fight back the emotions)
. It is all makeup, lights and glitz.
. And I’ve come to realize that –
. there is no place like home.
DALE (rolling her eyes) Ugh, give me a break!
BETTIE (snaps out of emotions) Too much?
DALE You’re definitely a better actor than a writer.
. So what are YOU after?
BETTIE So how are you going to end this story?
. It’s supposed to be a LOVE story – but, well –
. because I’m dying to find out, myself – (sighing)
. do YOU even know the REAL definition of love?
(DALE stops typing and looks back at BETTIE.
Turning forward she shrugs.)
DALE You mean, what is REAL LOVE? I know what
. it is NOT. It’s not rude, shallow,
. self-centered, or selfish.
BETTIE Hmph. So then – real love would be
. the opposite of that.
DALE (realizing) My dear, you may actually be
. on to something.
(DALE begins to type furiously. BETTIE leaves scratching
her head.)
BETTIE Ah, oh-kay, glad I could help.
. CENTER STAGE 39
(BETTIE walks up to GLEN.)
GLEN Let me guess, Bettie – I just can’t see you
. as Bettie! Darlene? Brandy? Collette?
. (sighing) Whatever. So, let me guess,
. you gave her an idea, also.
BETTIE (cryptically) I may have.
(DIANE gives a worried and curious glance at GLEN.)
DIANE In THAT case - I worry. And I wonder –
. how WILL the story end? What WILL my grand
. last scene be like?
GLEN Well, at least she’s writing. (changing subject)
. Okay, while we’re waiting, let’s see
. the final number.
(SHEREE and the EXTRAS come back out.)
SONG 5: “THE FLUFF SONG”.
(The EXTRAS do their Hollywood synchronized dancing
routine while singing. There is a lot of spinning,
and circles with arm movements.)
EXTRAS (singing) Ah-ah-ah-, ah-ah-ah-,
. Glitzy-glamorous-glorious- Broadway love!
. It’s flirty, fabulous, frivolous-
. it’s Hollywood la-oo-ah-ove!
. It’s marvelous, murky, magnificent–
. crazy with matrimonies.
. It’s topsy-[tur-vy]–twisty-
. and-terrific-terrifying fluffy love.
GLEN Cut! Cut! Sheree! What’s this?-What’s this?
(GLEN waves his arms around a bit, then continues.)
GLEN It just seems like too muccchhh... fluff.
. Even for me. And that means there’s a lot of it.
. There are words, many words, but they lack –
. meaning. What does that all mean?-
. What does it mean?
. 40
SHEREE You no like?
GLEN No like!
(SHEREE limps off the stage in aloof frustration.
EXTRAS follow with the same attitude.
BETTIE approaches GLEN.)
BETTIE You know, if you don’t mind me saying,
. you can be so – very – rude.
GLEN Listen Bettie. Audrey. Charise. Geraldine.
. Whatever! Time is money!
BETTIE You keep saying that, but time can be
. so much more. It’s not JUST money.
(GLEN turns BETTIE by her shoulders and waves
an arm around the entire studio and then out across
the congregation as if that’s part of the studio too.)
GLEN In Hollywood – it is. You see all of this:
. the big studio, the lights, the cameras?
. These all cost money. As well – these cannot
. operate on their own. We have to also pay
. for all the people to be here: cameramen,
. makeup artists, costume designers, editors,
. gaffers and go-fers. It all costs big money.
. And this little conversation right here,
. has just cost us over a thousand dollars.
BETTIE (bravely) Well, you could STILL say things
. in a nicer way. It would take the same amount
. of time!
GLEN Hm. Perhaps.
BETTIE And my name is Bettie. It works for me and
. for most of the people I know.
GLEN All right, Bettie-then.
(BETTIE nods, the frowns, but decides to just walk away.
DALE rushes out with the new pages and hands them to GLEN
who quickly glances at them.)
GLEN Script! Places! Let’s go everyone! 41
. (switches to groaning-drippy-sweet) Pleeease.
. And if everyone doesn’t miiinnd – aaaaction.
(DIANE and SCOTT sit on the bench arm in arm.)
DIANE I knew I wanted a true love that would last,
. but I didn’t know exactly HOW that should look.
SCOTT (romantically) And your gaze fell on MEEE,
. and you knew right THEN and THERE that LOVE
. should LOOK like MEEE!
DIANE Seriously, darling. Maybe I’VE kept my looks,
. but YOUR looks have certainly changed since then.
. How would a love based on THAT - be real and
. long lasting? And - right THEN and THERE???!
. Really? It didn’t take me long to find out
. you were NOT perfect. And – (choking it out)
. neither was I.
SCOTT (musing and reflective) I cannot disagree
. with you. Iiii – really needed a reality check.
(BETTIE and TODD approach each other slowly.
BARRY and MARIE enter holding hands. BARRY motions
toward BETTIE and TODD.)
BARRY Love must be in the air AGAIN.
(TODD looks at BETTIE sheepishly.)
TODD Do you not FEEL the LOVE in the AIR?
BETTIE LOVE? In the AIR? Where? I do not see it.
. Is it here? (grabs at the air) No. Maybe it is–
. here?! (grabs another area of air) Oh wait,
. I cannot seem to grab on to it. Even if I could–
. how sturdy would that love be? Perhaps – maybe –
. because love isn’t found – in the oh so thin air.
GLEN (gasping to DALE) Brilliant. How Shakespearean!
TODD (continuing) Perhaps if you search your HEART?
BETTIE Nooooo! It’s not there either.
(TODD becomes very insecure in his guesses.) 42
TODD Your FEELINGS? Have you ANY feelings?
BETTIE Oh! I have FEELINGS. But the feelings are
. definitely NOT of love. They come – they go-
TODD Me thinks you are angry with me.
(BETTIE leans forward with a hand to her ear.)
BETTIE (sarcastically) Hark! Did I just hear
. someone speaketh? Or was it just air?
TODD (sincerely) Truly my dear, I DO care.
. And not just about myself. I don’t care if
. you cannot sing. What is singing?
BETTIE And I do not care if you cannot dance.
. What – is dancing? (fishing) Buuuuut-???
TODD Well, what about some CRAZY love where I put
. YOU first instead of myself? What about some
. CRAZY love where I CHOOSE to love you
. instead of waiting to FEEL like loving you?
BETTIE That’s so crazy – it should work. It definitely
. WILL work. I’m so happy, I just want to dance!
BARRY (to MARIE) Hey, maybe we should try out
. that CRAZY love?
MARIE For sure. This airy sing-song-type of love
. just isn’t working for me anymore.
Song #6: “I CHOOSE”.
(EXTRAS dance back onto stage, all excited to watch
BETTIE. BETTIE holds out her hand to TODD.)
TODD Ah, YOU dance, I’ll just watch – and sing.
(While TODD sings, BETTIE taps her foot back and forth.)
TODD (sings) I choose to be only with- you,
. No one else will really do.
(MARIE and BARRY join in singing.) 43
T&M&B (sing) It is not because we just- feel it,
. and it’s not because we see it, or hear it,
. Because love is [in the brain]
. (repeat last line of the song with these words)
. but we enjoy it in our hearts.
(The band chords the first beat of every bar as
BETTIE tap dances. Everyone focuses on her.
But, BETTIE keeps going and going and going.)
Eventually, GLEN looks at his watch. SCOTT yawns
and taps the arm of the bench, then scratches.
EXTRAS lose interest, yawn, and stretch.
DIANE falls asleep with her head back and her mouth open.
BARRY and MARIE mime a conversation with each other.
Only TODD is still interested and keenly watches.
Soon, the band members also die off one by one.
As the pianist gets bored, he throws in a bar of
“Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star”, then goes to playing
one note at the first of every bar.)
GLEN Aaaand wrapping it up now!
. (lower voice) Pleeease.
(BETTIE looks around and suddenly makes her solo come
to an end. The band plays one more chord, and
the trombone adds the rest of “Pop-Goes the Weasel.”
DIANE and SCOTT look at each other, awake now.
DIANE wipes the drool from her mouth.)
DIANE Wh-That’s it?-Oh, sorry, I mean...
. (back in character) THAT was it! As soon as we
. figured out what true love was, our relationship
. developed into something very special.
SCOTT Not that we still didn’t and don’t have
. a few squabbles here and there, but we still
. always keep CHOOSING to love each other...
(DIANE and SCOTT hold their pose until...)
GLEN Aaaand CUT! That’s a wrap everyone! Brilliant!
. Excellent! Well done, everyone. Thanks!
. (addresses the audience with great appreciation)
. And thank you for coming. What would we be
. without an audience.
. 44
Song #7, “THANK YOU”.
ALL (singing) Thanks for coming today.
GLEN We don’t have a song planned right here...
. We’re done.
ALL (singing) and enjoying our play.
GLEN Or, we can certainly go with this...
. But you’re not getting paid, you realize.
ALL (singing) While we here,
. learned, thought and fought
. You got to laugh a lot.
. So wherever you go,
. You try keeping that glow
. Know in our hearts you belong
. [But for] now we say so long.
ALL See you again!
(EVERYONE walks off waving.)